“I tried alcohol, but I didn’t like it very much.”

“We had no idea that cigarettes were bad for you back then.”

“When duty called, your old man stepped up.”

“I was a virgin when I got married.”

“Marijuana is addictive.”

“When they invaded our world, I fought bravely with my human brothers against the Oordwali Horde.”

“I always did what my father told me to do.”

“I loved taking piano lessons when I was your age!”

“The Oordwali were offering to make any human defectors rich beyond their wildest dreams, but I could never betray my own kind.”

“I was always, always, nice to my little sister.”

“I had a full time job starting when I was 12 years old and I haven’t stopped working since.”

“When the Oordwali crushed the human armies, they spared me because they admired how bravely I had fought against them.”

“I never drove drunk. Not once.”

“I called my mother every single day, even when she was in hiding with the rest of the soldiers of the Human Resistance. Until the Oordwali captured her and used her biomass to sustain Oordwali Larva growing in the ground-sac farms.”

“I did not tell the Oordwali where the Human Resistance was hiding.”

“When the Oordwali Overseer chemically castrated me and ordered me to raise two Oordwali pupae into full grown hatchlings, I doubted that I would enjoy the experience. But the second I took both of you home in your bio-sacs and saw those cute mandibles poking out, I knew that I loved you both more than anything in what remains of the world.”

The first modern cats evolved about 30 million years ago. The first homo sapiens - Us! - appeared about 200,000 years ago. And dogs only came around 30,000 or so years ago. That timeline makes us the middle child of the family, and then everything starts to make sense. 

Dogs are the youngest sibling. 

• Eager to please
• Happy to be included
• Terrified to be left alone at home
• Will follow you around
• Need constant help with everything
• Can be given orders and will obey them
• Are very protective and loyal
• Will feel bad if you yell at them

Cats are the oldest sibling

• Distant
• Independent 
• Occasionally affectionate, but will make you work for it
• Annoyed they have to share the house with you and the dog
• Will manipulate you to get what they want
• Will not follow commands
• Treat everything that is yours like it is theirs as well
• Are allowed to go out without saying where they’re going or what they’re doing

So when it comes time to get a pet, consider if you’d rather have a younger sibling or an older one and make your choice that way. And if you don’t want either, then I’m afraid you’re a selfish only child who doesn’t understand the concept of sharing, companionship or love, you monster. 

I think my life will end in some sort of scenario like this. 

Come to CollegeHumor Live tonight to see me sweat! 9:30PM at the UCB

Still a few tickets left so grab em quick

Age 15 - I’m funny!

Age 20 - I’m gonna be a comedian!

Age 25 - I’m a comedian!

Age 30 - I’m a writer-comedian!

Age 35 - I’m a humorist!

Age 40 - I’m a witty essayist!

Age 45 - I’m a bitter essayist!

Age 50 - I’m a cultural commentator!

Age 55 - I’m a cultural critic!

Age 60 - I’m a cultural cynic!

Age 65 - I’m tried!

Age 70 - I’m…eh, who gives a shit? 

Age 75 - (quietly reading the newspaper, shaking head in disapproval every now and then)

Age 80 - I’m funny! By accident…

When Mr. Allen Large wants you to email him now, you do it.

howto-kissdistinctly-american:

This is relevant to pretty much all of my interests.

(Source: jhermann, via miketrapp)

collegehumor:

The Broke-Ass Student Scholarship Contest

You can only sell so much blood.  How about we try and help you out? Click here to see how you could enter to win $5000!

If you’re in college, broke and can prove it in a funny way, this money could be yours. Honestly. I know with online contests people usually think it’s bullshit or there’s some catch but this is 100% serious. You don’t need to sign up for anything, you don’t need to put your email address on a list, we’re not going to spam you, you just need to enter. It is not as hard as you imagine to win this $5,000. Seriously. 

This money is going to someone who took the requisite three and a half minutes to enter, so why not make it you? 

Here’s the plan, Detroit. You start a campaign in Williamsburg, Bushwick, Greenpoint, etc. offering 5 years free rent if people will move to the abandoned factories of Detroit. 

Show them the tens of thousands of square feet they’ll have for their live/work space. Show them the flat, deserted streets, perfect for fixed-gear bike commuters. Show them the rusted, burnt out shells of cars, completely free for their guerrilla street art collective to make use of. 

It will be an adjustment. The old timers won’t like them at first. They’ll complain about the loud music thundering from the old Getty Station-turned-mixed-use-art/music venue. They’ll question the ability of a 25,000 square foot artisnal mustard store to attract enough customers to stay in business. They’ll reminisce about the days the park used to be enjoyed by families instead of a LGBT kickball league. 

But things will change. 

What was once a depressing Salvation Army Store catering exclusively to shoppers teetering on the edge of homelessness will become the hottest retail opportunity in the neighborhood, selling estate jewelry and mock-fur coats to herds of attractive girls with sleeve tattoos and Warby Parker glasses. The old corner bar, kept in business by a dwindling cliental of leathery drunks, will find new life as 20-something freegans pour in the door every weekend in search of an “authentic Detroit spot.” Even the faded graffiti literring the husks of buildings torched for insurance money will find that it is no longer the scribblings of a futureless urban youth, but rather a valuable cache of urban artwork demanding attention thanks to the efforts of a newly-local Tumblr photoblogger. 

Like the ancient Britons left behind when Rome withdrew from the island in 383 AD, the hipsters will seize the ruins of that departed power and lay the foundation for a glorious new city. Londinium is a failure, a ruin, the decaying corpse of a civilization no longer able to sustain itself. But London will rise in its place. 

And eventually the locals who stay will find that their neighbor’s moldering 3-family house just sold to an ESTY-rich lesbian couple for $1.1 million. The trash-strewn abandoned lot at the end of the block has become a community garden growing produce to benefit the Kites For Kids program at which a “master kitesmith” teaches local kids the art of DIY box kite construction. Even the mustard store is thriving after the identical twins who own it abandoned the mustard game and turned the space into a high end, indoor farmer’s-and-flea market. The old locals will come to love their vibrant, quirky new neighbors.

You know what you have to do, Detroit. You are a great American city and if you proceed with this plan you will live to see another bright, hopeful morning!

It’d also be nice to thin the herd here in New York. There’s only so many cage-free duck egg purveyors a population can support, ya know?

Good morning! It’s me, the first day of the week! And how are you this fine me? Oh…I see. I’m sorry to hear that. But did you at least have a good Saturday and Sunday? Great! Yeah, those guys are the best. We’re kind of a little crew, me and them. Yup, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. The big 3! 

Why would you think I’d be closer with Tuesday and Wednesday? Haha. No way! I’m soooo not like Tuesday! It’s weird you think that. Tuesday’s all “I’m Tuesday, blah blah blah, there’s no good TV on me, I’m boring, blah blah blah.” That’s not me. I’m Monday! Monday Fun Day! 

You say “Sunday Fun Day”? Weird. 

Oh hey, did you watch all the good shows last night? I did. I watched Game of Thrones, Mad Men, that new HBO one, Family Tree, and…Oh, you went to bed early? Why? Not because of me, right? 

Ah…I see. Work, right. But what about a few weeks ago when you were partying and…huh? Who is ‘Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day’? You know what, never mind. 

So what’s the plan, my man? Are we gonna raise some hell or what? Seriously? ‘Go to work, come home, watch something and go to sleep’? That’s it? Pretty…pretty…pretty…pretty lame. HA! Curb. But for real, why don’t you hit the town tonight, grab some drinks, make some memories and mistakes?!

You keep saying that but I don’t know what a ‘weak day’ is. Oh, ‘Week’ day. That’s better. Ha. I was worried for a second that you were trying to say I was the worst day or something. Like ‘Monday is a weak day, brah.’ If you call something weak, don’t you always want to end that sentence with ‘brah’? Ugh, this gauc is weak, brah! Ugh, these waves are weak, brah! Ugh, these fish tacos are weak, brah! I guess I’m just hearing a SoCal surf guy in my head or something. I dunno.

So…

You know, I was just thinking about how Thursday is, like, kind of a shit day and…Oh, you’re at work now? Really? This early? Wow. No, right, of course you can’t talk. Totally get it.

Well hey, enjoy me! I’m only here once a week and you’ll miss me when I’m gone! It’s like that one episode of Curb where Larry and Jeff go to…right, you’re at work. Gotcha. Sorry. 

Sorry for everything.