December 2005
50 posts
Dirty Christmas
My roommie Gillian got me these filthy New York themed coasters for Christmas. As far as coasters go, they’re about as cool as it gets.
A Classic
I’m so excited…I’m so excited…I’m so…so…scared.
Many people have said caffiene pills are the silent killer; or maybe that’s carbon monoxide? Either way, Zach knows they’re no good.
Click It
Snowboarding
Sometimes people experience what is known as a moment of clarity. It is - as the name suggests - a moment when you realize a truth about yourself or something else. I had one today.
After snowboarding with my sister for *cough* one run *cough again* I said, “Heidi…I think I need to take a break. My…my…feet hurt?” If you’re wondering why I put a question...
The Virgin Birth
Christmas day my hamster, Hambone, gave birth to a litter of wriggling, pink, hairless aliens. I knew something was odd with her when she bit me and tore a chunck of my thumb off. I promise to have video and/or pics of the alien den when she lets them come out of the nest she has built so for now, Ill provide this interesting side-by-side comparison. Baby hamsters Vs. human fetuses.
Baby...
This Guy Is So Gay
Why is anyone even questioning it anymore. It’s cool, Clay, nobody will hate you for coming out. Just stop pretending.
What Facebook Should Say
Facebook has added a new feature which allows you to clarify exactly how you know someone. I would guess that this feature was added to help your actual friends distinguish each other (That sounds familiar…)
When you attempt to clarify how you know someone, a window pops up giving you a bunch of options. However, if Facebook wants to be honest about how you know all your college friends,...
Amir Look-alike
Amir, my fellow CollegeHumor employee, bears a striking resemblance to many things: A twenty-something Jewish boy, a guy who wears brown often and, oddly, the CollegeHumor Jester logo.
However, today I think I may have located another Amir-alike. I got a Facebook friend request from a dude named Byron who attends my alma mater. I don’t know Byron (I don’t think, at least) but...
Chuck Says Hi
As far as I know, this is the only celebrity website that actually speaks to you when you visit. Chuck Norris
Check out the Code of Ethics Poster. I tried to buy one but the store is apparently swamped and needed to catch up on orders. I bet Chuck’s un-married second cousin who runs his site never thought he’d be struggling to fill holiday Norris poster orders. What a difference a...
Another SNL Gem
While everyone - including me - has been raving about the Narnia Rap another SNL skit from the weekend had me laughing hard. Thanks to my roommie, Gillian, who tracked it down. And now… Click It
I’m pretty sure I went to college with these people. I need to check my email.
Gwen Stefani Ruined
Well, there goes that sexual fantasy. Who’s next? Mischa? Lindsay? Anyone? The horrible news here.
Fun Times, Fun Times
Looking to spend a few minutes playing with something that would occupy your stoner friends for hours? This will do.
Fun With History: NYC Transit Edition
The MTA strike has begun! Organized warlords have been roving the streets since 3AM, terrorizing the public. Queens has been burnt to the ground while most Bronx residents have taken shelter in one of four make-shift “Safety-Huts” meant to protect them from the armed banditos. Well, maybe not, but the MTA strike is still a major P.I.T.A. In honor of our most demanding public...
A Few (One) Of My Favorite Things
One of my favorite new things on CollegeHumor is the large amount of senior pictures we’ve been getting. It leads me to wonder who these people are and, for God’s sake, what high schools they go to. See for yourself (click through to see the next picture).
SNL's Finest Moment Thus Far
Ever since the trio that makes up The Lonely Island joined SNL they have been providing hillarious digital shorts. You may remember “Lettuce,” which, up till now, has been the highlight of the SNL season. No longer my friends; Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell team up for this hillarious rap (with music and direction by fellow Lonely Islanders Jorma and Akiva, respectivley).
View this...
More Fun With History
The buffery continues…
The Frisbee was invented by Yale students who used pie tins from the cafeteria to throw around on campus. Wham-o toys developed a commercial version of the tin and named it the “Pluto Platter,” which was later changed to “Frisbee” based on a misspelling of the Frisbie Pie Company of Bridgeport, Connecticut. Just goes to show you what the...
Fun Google Image Search of the Day
Well, the first result looks promising…
New Column Out
It’s a double-dose day on CollegeHumor. Here’s a bit of a new column.
Winter break is a celebrated time of year when millions of college kids bid farewell to the dorms, the parties, the regrettable makeouts and return to the towns from which they came. These towns, though nostalgically important, are probably less than entertaining. Even if you’re old enough to hit the bars,...
New CollegeHumor Article
I have a new update on CollegeHumor. Here’s a little bit.
Final Solutions: Extra Help For Exams
Finals are in full swing and we bet you could use some extra help with your studying. Luckily, there are tons of companies who want nothing more than to give you that extra boost you need. We’ve collected their appeals here. Aren’t you a lucky devil?
Hello college students,
...
Puk'd
Last night was CollegeHumor’s company Christmas dinner. It was a great time and everybody there got pretty - ahem - drunk. It’s too bad some of us forgot to get our puking done on the cab ride home and saved it for work the next day. Click It
Warning: Gross View this clip on Vimeo
Oh, Mike, when will you learn to shut the door when you vomit?
My New Pet
For company secret santa Zach got me something a little different. Warning: CUTE! View this clip on Vimeo
Thanks to Jakob for the video.
Summed Up: The New York Attitude
Walking home today I encountered what I believe to be a perfect representation of the New York attitude. People have spent pages and pages going on about the strange mixture of necessary rudeness, impatient civility and blunt judgement - all byproducts of living practically, and literally, on top of each other - which makes up a New Yorker. I think I can get it in four sentences.
On one of the...
Another Odd Search That Ended Here
A few days ago (maybe yesterday for all I know) I posted a tidbit about how I love to see how people end up on this website. You may recall that someone had searched “Prositutes in reading” and ended up here. I thought that was a bit odd, but nothing compared to this one, from Spanish language MSN search.
The oddest thing is, I’m pretty sure brother in Spanish is...
Let This Kid Melt Your Face
This kid’s hard-rocking classical face-melting solo remind me of my favorite Christmas time music ever…T.S.O. (that’s Trans-Siberian Orchestra to you non-Tran-heads). Click It
Neat Experiment of the Day: Gawker
Gawker.com is a New York media blog, bringing millions of readers the gossipy scoop on reporters, publishers, writers and all the other folks who make your opinions. Gawker’s main readers are young, literate, New York professionals (like me!) which is why I was so shocked to find out about the following.
I won’t go into the details of it, but I was looking for a picture of a white...
Winter is Here
Whoa, whoa, whoa, when I said I like winter, I didn’t mean I like it this much.
Product Placement on "Lost"
So many television shows and movies have been ruined by incessant product plugging, otherwise known as product placement. Sadly, ABC’s “LOST” is the latest victim.
How sad.
Amir's Controversy
Amir’s latest CollegeHumor article is causing quite a stir. The obviously satirical peice - written from the standpoint of someone who has no idea what he is talking about - is setting his fans into two camps: those who think he is a genius and those who would bludgeon him to death if they were given a chance. Check out the comments section of his blog for some of the finest ranting and...
Strange Questions
Like any self-respecting narcissist I keep a close watch on who is reading this website and where they are coming from. The tracker that I use has a nifty feature which shows me all of the search engine referrals and the terms that were searched before sending the user here. At first glance, everything looks kosher.
But on further inspection, I found one strange one.
That’s funny, I had...
New CollegeHumor Article
I posted a new column to CollegeHumor tonight. It’s the return of The Famous Hate List and I couldn’t happier. For those of you who don’t know how it works, all you do is send me some hate and I post it along with my own. Here’s an excerpt from the latest issue.
Big Umbrella Ben: Hey, I hate getting rained on just as much as the next guy, but seriously man, do you need...
The Predicament
I left work in a rush today because I had to buy my secret santa gift in absolute secrecy (it’s a bag of cocaine). But, in my hurry, I forgot two crucial things: my iPod and a Lost DVD I was planning on spending my night analyzing. Now, I could just go back and get them, but the walk is just far enough to make me question it. Take a look (I’m the green tab, work is the red one).
...
Pat Smeared
On the old version of this site I had a page about missing rocker Pat Smear. People would write in and give me clues as to his whereabouts and happenings. Well today, my good friend Matt has put the matter to bed by sending in this little link.
Looks like he’s just back with his old band, The Germs, playing shows. Sometimes the truth is, well, disappointingly predictable.
In case you...
More Fun With History
My buffery continues…
The Nobel Prize is named after Alfred Nobel who created dynamite. He got so much flack for his deadly invention that, concerned about his legacy, he created a fund to reward those who work for peace.
While excavating in New York for a new building, construction workers discovered an intact ship. It seems that a common method for reclaiming land in old New York...
Me On Air, Take 2
Again, I’ll be calling into Joe and the Poorboy at Z93 in Michigan this morning at 9:10. For my friends who find this amusing I offer this fact: I might get to say “AND WE’RE BACK!!!!” this morning. What have you done today, assholes?
Yeah…that’s what I thought.
Envy Me
Every so often I’ll get an email or an IM about how awesome my life must be. “Oh man, writing for collegehumor, living in New York, you’ve got it made” they say. Yes, in many ways I do and I’m grateful for all the opportunities I’ve been given. However, on days like today - a day where I’ve spent close to 10 hours watching Lost on DVD and eating...
Awesome New Word Alert
The other night in Brooklyn my buddy Matt Lynch came up with this gem! It’s essentially a legal way to steal someone’s seat before they can call fives.
Calling Snake 1. 2. 3.
Calling Snake is like Calling Fives, only more annoying. Finally, the seat stealer is on an equal footing with the seat sitter. Calling Snake is sure to be the next new thing. It’s so simple, you only...
My Life or a Hole in the Ground
Come with me, won’t you, on a tour of my many homes throughout the years. Courtesy of the cold war spy satellites.
Here’s where it all began!
I lived on the corner of Horsepond and Wildcat for 18 years and still refer to it as ‘home.’ That massive black patch across the street from my house is all the flowers people brought me when I left for college. My parents...
Famous TV Show Pitches
After watching horrible TV shows I sometimes like to imagine what the pitch for that particular show must have been like. Hmmm….
The Scene: ABC, development office
The Cast
Freddie
Freddie’s Agent
ABC Executive
ABC Exec: “So, let me get this straight, it’s a show about your life?” Freddie: “Not exactly, it’s about me but it’s not really...
Me On Air
If you happen to live in the Flint/Saginaw, MI area, I’ll be calling into Joe and the Poorboy on z93 this morning to discuss the finalists in The Hottest College Girl Contest
The Chicken or the Egg? Part 2
Again, do you ever have the feeling that someone thought of a catchy name for a product before they thought of the product itself?
O...M...G
Clarissa explains why some sexual fantasies are best abandoned when you turn fourteen.
Pregnancy is gross.
Thanks to David for the image…and the nightmares.
Fun With History
For those of you who don’t know me - and I’m sure there are a few left - I am a huge history buff. I was that asshole in high school history class that kept asking questions after the bell rang and I’m still that asshole today; except people at work are more confused by it than angry since I bring my own bell in. That being said, I present Fun With History, a recurring feature...
New Column
I wrote a new article for my CollegeHumor column, ‘A Word from the Streets’. Here’s a little bit.
I used to be a waiter. In fact, I was in some form of customer service – whether it was bartending, table waiting or drug peddling – for almost a decade. Therefore, I feel like I can speak about customer service in an almost expert capacity. Not only did I watch hours and hours...
The Chicken or the Egg?
Ever have the feeling that sometimes companies think of the name for a product before they actually invent it? Me too.
This could very easily have been the newest board game from Parker Brothers.
C'mon baby, C'mon...
When you’re a bigger person like myself you learn one thing very early in life: more snow = more clothing. Now that’s something every selfimage-hating person can get behind, right?
My First T-Shirt
In the storied CollegeHumor Writer’s Room we are forced to think up funny T-Shirts for CollegeHumor’s cruel step-son, BustedTees. This gem is the first one I thought of that has actually been made.
Just in case you’re wondering … it’s for peeing.
Now, go buy it!
Adult Friend LIARS!
If you visit less-than-reputable websites, your bound to come across ads for Adult Friend Finder. This service claims to bring together horny people living in a common area. However, it’s their advertising that has interested me.
According to some people smarter than I, AFF ads track your IP address and target their advertising to your specific location. So, if you’re in, say,...
New CollegeHumor Article
Amir and I are the Style Guys over at CollegeHumor. Check out our 2005 puppy review, so far called ‘in bad taste’ by three people! Here’s a little bit.
Labrador Retriever: Streeter
Awwww, are you gonna cry? I thought you were a dog, not a pussy. Your eyes are so dark it’s like looking into hell itself. Are they so dark because the light of love cannot escape their evil...
Have You Seen This?
One of the best nude/dancing/falling down/famous person videos I’ve seen all week! (NSFW)
My Birthday
It’s my 23rd birthday today and, to celebrate, my girlfriend is taking me out to an all-you-can eat steak place. Have you ever had one of those moments where you realize that someone else totally and completely understands what you’re all about? Yeah, me too.
LOST deleted scene
For all you LOST fans out there, I’ve uncovered these secret screencaps from the original Michael/Walt chat in last night’s episode. They just keep you guessing.
The chat begins when Michael replies to the “Hello?” that has mysteriously appeared on the computer.
That’s where things get crazy…
Trust me, you’d be shocked too. After all, who...