June 2008
27 posts
Abstain, Child!
The problems with abstinence-only sex education - which the government funds - are numerous, but at the core there’s really just one major flaw: you’re trying to teach it to humans. Horny teenage humans, at that.
You can teach people a lot of things, but trying to scare, guilt or otherwise persuade them to not have sex with each other is simply impossible. How do I know? I exist,...
WatchWhen Pat tells me to do something, I do it.
Ahead of His Time
Producer: William, we must speak with each other of this new play you've written.
Shakespeare: Ah, yes. My latest is the tale of a...
Producer: Yes...yes, the story is fine. More than fine, William. It's just that we at The Globe take issue with some of your word choices.
Shakespeare: Alas, my words are not a choice! My quill is the true scribe of this volume, I merely act as interpreter!
Producer: Right...right. Yet, we can't help but notice that numerous words in this play just aren't - how shall I put this tenderly - words. You've invented them, have you not?
Shakespeare: Someday, sir, these words will be as normal as a cloud in the sky or a rat in your stew!
Producer: Someday, perhaps. But not now. Listen, William, it wouldn't be such a problem if these words had a discernible meaning. But "lackluster", "impede", "tranquil"? I couldn't even begin to imagine what sort of intention lies therein.
Shakespeare: Sir, you're acting as a muddlelump! Simply read the words in context!
Producer: Have you lost your miggle, sir? To call me a muddlelump only serves to illustrate what a billyham you're behaving as.
Shakespeare: Billyham?! You sir, can count yourself lucky I am an honorable plebicanian or I would have your nose betwixt my two figglers. So help me God, I shall not be spoken to with such...such qual!
Producer: William, please calm yourself. If these kind of hannyhocks continue I fear this meeting will dissolve into fistifinks, and neither you nor I are the sort for that.
Shakespeare: You are correct, sir. I apologize. When my wenny is up I fear I can become a bit wonkish. But I appeal to you on bended knick, please allow the play to be staged with its original words in tact.
Producer: I just don't know, William. "Gloomy"? "Elbow?" "Advertising," for God's sake? You believe the audience will be able to ascertain your intended point?
Shakespeare: Certigishly.
Producer: Well, if you feel so strongly about it, I will let the play go on as written. But I fear for its reception, William. It may be many years before the populace at large understands an utterance such as "bandit."
Shakespeare: We shall see, shall we not? Good day to you, sir. Bestbigsby!
Producer: Bestbigsby, William.
jeffrubinjeffrubin:
Update - I did not make the cut for World’s Dumbest Partiers. Streeter probably won’t admit it, but he appears briefly (although you might be confused because they spelled his last name wrong). Todd Bridges and Danny Bonaduche show up several times.
I did make a brief appearance sandwiched between Bonaduche and Bridges I think. Also, they most certainly did spell my last name...
Nicotine vs Brain
Brain: These are bad for me.
Nicotine: Shut up.
Brain: They're polluting my body.
Nicotine: Shut up.
Brain: The simple fact is that I can live without them.
Nicotine: Shut up.
Brain: I don't need...
Nicotine: Shut up.
Brain: Yeah, but...
Nicotine: Shut up.
Brain: I...
Nicotine: Shut up.
Brain: Fine!
*smokes cigarette*
Brain: There. Now I'll just stop and...
Nicotine: Shut up.
Simplified Politics
The difference between Republicans and Democrats in social policy is as simple as this: Republicans want to choose how you live your life, Democrats want you to live your life how you choose.
The Asterisk and the I
It was three in the morning and Asterisk was sound asleep in his modest home. In the darkness, his phone jolted to life, ringing and vibrating loudly on his nightstand. Asterisk’s eyes snapped open as this cacophonous symphony wrenched him from sleep. Reluctantly, he felt around the nightstand and picked up. “Hello?” he grumbled. “You gotta help me, man,” pleaded...
Top Chef fliming in NYC this summer →
adamfrucci:
Hell yes! Someone make me a guest judge, please.
Boo Yah! Unlike Frucci here I have no intentions of being a guest judge, but damn, I would like to be at one of the events they have to cook for. Maybe they’ll do a ‘online media lunch’ or something and I can go. I can see the scene now. Padma would line them all up and say something like, “Tonight...
Justice Must Be Served
Hi friends, I need some help with something. My parents have an old colonial house that they’re always sprucing up in some way and they’ve worked with the same carpenter for years now. His name is Tom and you’d be hard pressed to find a more exacting, precise builder. Everything he constructs is painstakingly measured, perfectly built and installed with such care that...
Jeff and I LIVE!
jeffrubinjeffrubin:
Tomorrow night, Streeter and myself return to the Rejection Show. We’ll be talking about the approval proccess at CollegeHumor and showing the stuff that was too ridiculous to make the site. This is our third or fourth Rejection Show, so we are now experts in the art of shocking an audience with dick pictures.
You can buy tickets here, and they’re only $10 if you use...
Quick Tip
Hey College Kids, here’s a quick tip from yours truly. When you go off to college and your mom says she’s no longer going to make you dentist appointments, don’t shrug and say, “whatever, my teeth are fine” like I did for the past 5 years. Instead, try making your own appointments! Maybe you’ll avoid incurring a $1,000 “deep gum cleaning” bill...
“Oh no, I don’t read the blogs – you couldn’t pay me to read the blogs. I don’t...”
– Lisa Fernandes of Top Chef explaining why she doesn’t read blogs, the comments, or really make any sort of concerted effort to understand what the demo of people reading and writing things on the internet is.
(via davidcho)
I watched about 10 hours of “Top Chef” the other day to kill Albuquerque...
Oh Man, We Got An Illustrator II →
I’m so thrilled this exists.
Summer In The City
Winter has passed, the coldness is done Another spring over and summer’s begun Kids on the street and stoops all around While I sit at home, wearing a frown For I am a hater, a Grinch if you please But I don’t hate Christmas, it’s summer, you see. I could write for pages, with numerous reasons For hating this most heated of seasons So why, you may ask, are you so glum? I tell you my friends,...
Watch
WatchI wrote this! I’m also in it. Digg it if you like it.
My Blackberry Died
Oh well. No love lost for that thing. However, this also means I have no phone for the time being. Anyone have a T-Mobile phone they’ll sell me on the cheap? Email me streeter.seidell at gmail.com
The Sad Business of Comedy on the Web →
Hey! They didn’t ask us how our business is doing! If they had asked, they’d know we’re doing just fine.