Dear Scientists, 

Make the flying shit. It’s time. 

You’ve done a wonderful job making the future as envisioned by so many writers of the past come true. We have phones that talk back to us now and cars that tell us where to go. We have robots that clean our houses and televisions that have a third dimension. We can speak to someone face to face even though they’re on the other side of the world and we can even go to space on a whim. A good many of us walk around with a device in our pocket that contains the accumulated knowledge of five thousand years of civilization. You’ve done an incredible job with all of this. So I think it’s time we make the flying shit. 

I know what you’re thinking, “but what about whole meals that come in pill form?” I’m sure if you put your minds to it, you could invent those, too. But nobody really wants that. We like eating meals. You know what we don’t like doing? Not flying. So let’s make the flying shit. 

And you know what shit I’m talking about. I’m talking about anything with “hover” in it’s name. I know you can make it if you get to work. So go for it. Let’s make the flying shit. 

And, No, planes and helicopters are not the flying shit, so stop pretending like you already invented it. Too complicated. I’m talking about the flying shit any idiot can use. 

Medicine is great. So are computers. But surely we can spare a few scientists to work on the flying shit? Whoever was going to work on making radio better, let’s put them on the flying shit. Or the people working on making robots that look like people. We don’t need that, those only lead to trouble. Flying shit is a much better investment, long term. 

Don’t even worry about laser guns. Those are only really good when we can combine them with the flying shit. And please let’s stop working on animatronic animals. We really don’t need those at all. Make the flying shit, instead. 

I’m sure a few scientists are working on time travel, too. Let’s detail them to the flying shit for a while. We don’t want to go back to the past without the flying shit, do we? I’m sure computers would impress them but nothing really impresses past people like flying shit!

And don’t make the flying shit too loud. No louder than a Prius. People won’t want to buy flying shit if it sounds like an airplane. The flying shit should be quiet shit, too. That’s what stuff in the future is: quiet. It’d be good if it could run off something other than gasoline, too. Something that glows blue. Flying shit always glows blue. Most things in the future run off something that glows blue. Make the flying shit run off glowing blue fuel. 

We can start small, too. The flying shit can just hover a few inches off the ground. Let’s start there so old people don’t get too nervous. We need all of them to vote for candidates with pro-flying-shit platforms. We need governments friendly to the idea of flying shit infrastructure if we’re ever going to get this thing off the ground, pardon the pun. 

And, Yes, we recognize that creating the flying shit may create a dystopian ‘ground world’ populated by those of us who cannot afford the flying shit. It’s a risk we’re willing to take. Once we have the flying shit we can fly up above all that shit on the ground. Don’t worry, as inventors of the flying shit, you’ll obviously all own some of it. You won’t have to live with the grounders. That’s a promise. 

In terms of timing, I think 2020 sounds pretty futuristic. Do you think if you start today you can have all the flying shit kinks worked out by then? I sure hope so. And God help you if we see any huge strides being made in pill-meal technology. Our collective energy should be channeled into the flying shit if we’re going to meet our 2020 deadline. We don’t want people to say of our era, ‘well the last generation walked on the moon and this generation just talked to their phones.’ The only way to show the future we mean business is to invent the flying shit. It’s time. 

Street